I had a using dream the other night.
For those of you who are not in recovery, that means I dreamt of drinking. I have committed to a life of abstinence from mind altering substances, and having a dream about using is akin to a nightmare for me.
In it, I was in a meeting of some sort, something like Landmark Forum, which is all about smashing the ego and reprogramming the computer. I left to get a snack from the kitchen and found some sort of vanilla whiskey in the cupboard (yuck, right?) and I drank it. And I drank more. A friend of mine asked me why I was slurring, and I was shocked that it was evident- I thought I was maintaining my composure. I went back to the meeting area, and I noticed that instead of water in the water cooler, there was milk, and everyone was drinking milk in plastic cups.
And then, of course, I was full of remorse and dreading standing up as a newcomer. Having 3.5 years, I felt the full weight of losing that sober time. And it wasn't even fun. It was incomprehensible, and I was fully aware of the insanity of the obsession.
It was good to have that dream. It really reminded me about the insanity of it. I also reminded me of how much effort it took to look like I wasn't effed up- its hard to try to look like you are straight when you aren't. Its a life of total denial and dread. Its terrible! And that was my life foe many many years.
I loved how the people were all drinking milk- I see it as the milk of human kindness. It was right there, available to everyone, and I walked right by it. Its always there, in abundance. I can't forget that. What a nightmare; I never want that again. Moreover, I don't want it for anyone. Ever. I am devoted to holding the torch for others; recovery and sobriety have given me a full, rich, fun, sexy, and satisfying life. In using, I am bound for jails, institutions, or death. In sobriety, I can have any life I want. Its all possible.
This blog is all about the miracle of life- whether you are in recovery or not. I hope you join and suggest to friends!
This blog is devoted to recovery on a cellular level, rambunctious transformation, divine silliness, outrageous compassion, and community. I will be documenting miracles as they occur in my life, and the challenges that birth them. Anything that inspires a new thought in me can be found here as well, like the artist Mark Ryden, or interviews with Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell, or even music like Gayngs or Indian Jewelry...
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