One evening a grandfather was teaching his young grandson about the internal battle that each person faces. “There are two wolves struggling inside each of us,” the old man said.
“One wolf is vengefulness, anger, resentment, self-pity, fear . . . The other wolf is compassion, faithfulness, hope, truth, love . . .”
The grandson sat, thinking, then asked: “Which wolf wins, Grandfather?”
His grandfather replied, “The one you feed.”

This blog is about the constant struggle. Mostly about mine, but then all the major themes running through my life are universal to everyone else. If my experiences are able to help even one single person find their way through the labyrinth of life, then I am better equipped to stand in the face of any adversity and say, "Bring it. BRING IT! And pack a lunch." Its not about me at that point. And for me, that is the point, the whole point, and nothing but the point.

Monday, August 30, 2010

using dreams

I had a using dream the other night.

For those of you who are not in recovery, that means I dreamt of drinking. I have committed to a life of abstinence from mind altering substances, and having a dream about using is akin to a nightmare for me.

In it, I was in a meeting of some sort, something like Landmark Forum, which is all about smashing the ego and reprogramming the computer. I left to get a snack from the kitchen and found some sort of vanilla whiskey in the cupboard (yuck, right?) and I drank it. And I drank more. A friend of mine asked me why I was slurring, and I was shocked that it was evident- I thought I was maintaining my composure. I went back to the meeting area, and I noticed that instead of water in the water cooler, there was milk, and everyone was drinking milk in plastic cups.

And then, of course, I was full of remorse and dreading standing up as a newcomer. Having 3.5 years, I felt the full weight of losing that sober time. And it wasn't even fun. It was incomprehensible, and I was fully aware of the insanity of the obsession.

It was good to have that dream. It really reminded me about the insanity of it. I also reminded me of how much effort it took to look like I wasn't effed up- its hard to try to look like you are straight when you aren't. Its a life of total denial and dread. Its terrible! And that was my life foe many many years.

I loved how the people were all drinking milk- I see it as the milk of human kindness. It was right there, available to everyone, and I walked right by it. Its always there, in abundance. I can't forget that. What a nightmare; I never want that again. Moreover, I don't want it for anyone. Ever. I am devoted to holding the torch for others; recovery and sobriety have given me a full, rich, fun, sexy, and satisfying life. In using, I am bound for jails, institutions, or death. In sobriety, I can have any life I want. Its all possible.

This blog is all about the miracle of life- whether you are in recovery or not. I hope you join and suggest to friends!

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