One evening a grandfather was teaching his young grandson about the internal battle that each person faces. “There are two wolves struggling inside each of us,” the old man said.
“One wolf is vengefulness, anger, resentment, self-pity, fear . . . The other wolf is compassion, faithfulness, hope, truth, love . . .”
The grandson sat, thinking, then asked: “Which wolf wins, Grandfather?”
His grandfather replied, “The one you feed.”

This blog is about the constant struggle. Mostly about mine, but then all the major themes running through my life are universal to everyone else. If my experiences are able to help even one single person find their way through the labyrinth of life, then I am better equipped to stand in the face of any adversity and say, "Bring it. BRING IT! And pack a lunch." Its not about me at that point. And for me, that is the point, the whole point, and nothing but the point.

Monday, August 30, 2010

using dreams

I had a using dream the other night.

For those of you who are not in recovery, that means I dreamt of drinking. I have committed to a life of abstinence from mind altering substances, and having a dream about using is akin to a nightmare for me.

In it, I was in a meeting of some sort, something like Landmark Forum, which is all about smashing the ego and reprogramming the computer. I left to get a snack from the kitchen and found some sort of vanilla whiskey in the cupboard (yuck, right?) and I drank it. And I drank more. A friend of mine asked me why I was slurring, and I was shocked that it was evident- I thought I was maintaining my composure. I went back to the meeting area, and I noticed that instead of water in the water cooler, there was milk, and everyone was drinking milk in plastic cups.

And then, of course, I was full of remorse and dreading standing up as a newcomer. Having 3.5 years, I felt the full weight of losing that sober time. And it wasn't even fun. It was incomprehensible, and I was fully aware of the insanity of the obsession.

It was good to have that dream. It really reminded me about the insanity of it. I also reminded me of how much effort it took to look like I wasn't effed up- its hard to try to look like you are straight when you aren't. Its a life of total denial and dread. Its terrible! And that was my life foe many many years.

I loved how the people were all drinking milk- I see it as the milk of human kindness. It was right there, available to everyone, and I walked right by it. Its always there, in abundance. I can't forget that. What a nightmare; I never want that again. Moreover, I don't want it for anyone. Ever. I am devoted to holding the torch for others; recovery and sobriety have given me a full, rich, fun, sexy, and satisfying life. In using, I am bound for jails, institutions, or death. In sobriety, I can have any life I want. Its all possible.

This blog is all about the miracle of life- whether you are in recovery or not. I hope you join and suggest to friends!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What The Bleep Do We Know--Addiction Clip

May The Force Be With You

Many years ago, I bought a weird little religious plaque that said- "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." I got it for its tongue-in-cheek value; it seemed morbid and morose, but the words were written in a very romantic, flowery font. I put it next to a triptych of three open coffins and above my collection of animal skulls. Just to re-iterate, this was many years ago, and I have thankfully lost my fascination with the moribund.

In sobriety, I unearthed this plaque during one of my archeological expeditions in my storage. I laughed at my own expense, but then it hit me. We use words like repent or amend without ever really looking them up, and I have learned in sobriety not to simply assume that my version of anything is THE version, the only version. When I do that, then I am disappointed when the rest of the world does not act in accordance. So, I looked it up.

re·pent 1 (r-pnt)v. re·pent·ed, re·pent·ing, re·pents
To make a change for the better as a result of remorse or contrition for one's sins.

I had previously considered repent to be a state of being deeply, almost suicidally, sorry. And the whole saying- Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand- to mean, "you better be really, really sorry, cuz you're gonna die soon, mother f*cker!"

When I looked up the word repent, I realized how close it is to making amends. Not just to consider one's previous actions deplorable, but to take accountability and change them for the better of all. That altered everything for me. I realized, suddenly, what that plaque now meant, given the new information (bestowed on me in a moment of clarity and grace, allowing me to make the distinction between MY version of reality, and another possibility, which was infinitely more profound )...and it is this-

"When you realize the error of your ways, and set about making them right, then the kingdom of heaven IS at hand." Heaven here and now is available when we are able to repent, to make amends, to set the record straight. I personally don't believe in a heaven hereafter, or a hell down below, I believe it is right here, right now. And when we live right, we experience the kingdom of heaven here on earth. Even if you are not in recovery, this is a spiritual truism that affects us all. "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand."

In one program of recovery that applies an amends process, that requires that we clean up the shame and guilt our past, it says "you will be amazed before you are half way through. You will understand the word serenity, and you will know peace." When we seek the people we have harmed and set the record straight, clean up the wreckage and own our part in it, we heal our little corner of the world. And the more of us that do it, the more we heal the entire world.

For each of us that has gotten sober and made amends, I like to think of all the hurt that has been transformed. Thousands of people, maybe even millions, healed by the power of recovery. What happens in recovery doesn't stay in recovery; it ripples out into the masses and creates a better planet overall. That is why I like to call it a movement; its growing and expanding, affecting many people who are not having trouble with addictions, changing music, art, literature, movies with its message of hope. Recovery is light in a dark world. Its a force to be reckoned with, its truth and healing and love...and if that isn't heaven on earth, I don't know what is.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Joseph Campbell -- On Becoming an Adult

8 months sober

How odd that in my sobriety, these elastic 8 months of crushing bliss I have lost the language to articulate the depth of my regard. My regard (period.) To regard means to have a point a view, to have a point of view means to have a place where one stands from which to view. And to commit to standing in a place long enough to regard (with appreciation and focus) a person, place or thing requires a tenacious serenity that has rendered me speechless. I have discovered that all my years of reading dictionaries left me with none but a vocabulary for chaos, angst. I find I have no such arsenal for intimacy and sincerity. And to have a solid point of view means to see with eyes that are not looking for a certain outcome. Eyes which simply take in what is, which do not constantly scan for what is not. Eyes which are not distorted by renderings of superficial nourishment that the soul does not ultimately require. These things are things of the ego, that cagey old wolf that forever lurks on the edge of serenity. That shapeshifting old bastard, so handy with the smoke and mirrors wants all good things of the spirit to meet a fatal end. I would be foolish to think I have defeated him. I will step to this creature every day for the rest of my life; I will wake up with the hot stink of his grinning mouth close to my face- on a good day. On a bad day, it will smell like the most fragrant and attainable thing, and I may weaken with desire. I know my cunning enemy because it is what provokes me into any thoughtless action. I will know my enemy after the fact, when I have not thought my actions through and reacted reacted reacted like a godless puppet, an impulsive animal, a spineless anemone shrinking in the wrong direction. I will know my enemy when I taste regret for my thoughtless actions and even still when I react to that regret- react, distract, regret, etc. I know that life. I had that life. It is the life without god. And now the armor with which I suit up every day is not to protect the weak, philandering ego, the commitment phobe, the hater, the fiend, the monger, the opportunist, the narcissist.It is for the silent, constant vigil for which I have been preparing my entire life, my first true act of rebellion, my first REAL attempt at living gracefully. I had a plethora of words for disappointment, heartache, and all rest of it because words justified it all, or so I thought. Words made it all worth while. Words made an entire life material for the greater good of art; it could all be shaped into an arc of trancsendence, even as I was plummeting to a certain end.

I was once told, when I was young, that a writer at 20 is 20, but a writer at 40 is a writer. I didn't believe it then, that experience shapes the words, and not the other way around. But the proof is always embedded firmly in the pudding.

(October, 2007)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Carl Jung - Matters of Heart - Part 1

Perseid meteor shower

Last night, I was sitting on my balcony talking to my good friend Laura. I have a very good view of the night sky from my spot, compromised somewhat by the city lights and some other impediments that prevent a full view. I just happened to be looking up as I was talking to my homegirl, and to my surprise, a ball of white light came shooting across the sky and exploded into a small bright blue fower and vanished.

its so funny that when I have gone looking for such things, I never see them. And yet when I am not looking and least expect it, I get not just a shooting star but a whole explosion. I wish someone had been there with me; you kind of want to look at someone and confirm that you just saw what you saw. My room mate came home and said it was incredibly good luck to see something like that. If so, dear readers, then you will be the first to know. Sometimes just being told to expect good luck is enough to make it happen. With that being said-

A MIRACLE IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN. Yes, I am talking to you, I know that something good is going to happen- so just hang on through the rough patches and keep your eyes peeled. Good things are coming!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Water, Consciousness & Intent: Dr. Masaru Emoto

The Invitation

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,


It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

By Oriah

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Stop hitting snooze on the alarm clock of love and wake up already

Love is almost like a video game. You get to the next level by mastering the first level, even if sometimes accidentally mastering it with luck rather than skill. And you sashay in to the next level with the exuberance of victory over the first, until you see that things are flying at you faster, and the skills that were necessary to accomplish the completion of the first are simply not refined enough for the second. And so it goes, layer after layer.

Like in the movie Inception, each level down into dreams gets closer to the subconscious, that spooky realm where everything lives- every memory, fear, hope, desire, every dream and nightmare- all swirling in a cauldron of you, and the collective, which is all the yous you have ever been, all conspiring to both help you attain another level, and also fail. Ego lives here. And so does soul.

I find these metaphors, pedestrian though they might be, sufficient enough to stand in for universal themes. There is a verbal roccoco and frothy emotionally sentimental way of decorating concepts about love, but I prefer to ground it all in moe palatable terms, and to investigate the phenomenon rather than be run over by it, puzzled and spinning.

First, there is the initial thrill of the first level, the falling, at first seeming effortless and almost beyond choice because the game sucks you in and allows many small victories to encourage you onward. “I got this,” we think, suckers that we all are. Then, BAM, next level, suddenly the stakes are higher, if you lose then all those snazzy points you worked for are gone, and moreover you want that feeling of mastery again, that exuberance that is so satisfying that so quickly departed upon entry to the next level. But new skills are required. (And I think most people stay in the first level, they don’t want to bring what it takes to go to the next, they want to continue in what they know and understand, and thus the curse of the human condition. Fear of what comes next, desire for what must be given up)

What happens is that the new skills are developed on that level, more quarters thrown in the video game (OG) to go back over and over again to learn what needs to be learned to master the second level. It gets tedious sometimes, frustrating. “How do I navigate this?” “I didn’t see this one coming.” “I can’t take this, I suck at this, I give up.” “I can’t give up. I want to see whats next. I want to be good at this.” “Fuck this.”

Then, the next level is attained, and falling, again. And even with the elation and the glorious ache of it, there is knowing that it heralds a new level, and new skills, and deeper trust. It gets closer to the subconscious, no longer content to frolic in shallow water. The subconscious, where archetypes roam, where a universal language is spoken and immortal dialogues take place in the primordial ooze of all potential, where everything we know and everything we don’t know we know waits to be discovered.

What strikes me as odd is the consensus that anything is really real. In the sense that we mostly take for granted that we live in a solid, static, predictable world that does its own thing and we just try to fit in the best we can. The fact for me is that it is all a divine exchange, constantly creating situations that challenge the spirit, spirit constantly creating situations that challenge the soul, the darkness trying to get us to believe that there is only this and nothing more- it is the intent of the dark side, absolutely; it is it’s only job, and it never sleeps. It never tires. It is not only as smart as we are, it has us believing, too often, that it IS us. We carry it inside us, and listen to its voice and act on it as if that was our own thought. It wants to lead us into darkness. Away from the light. It wants us to believe the lies and the hype, to keep us from the truth. Because, I think, there is no reward if there is no struggle. The more we go towards the light, the more we master the levels, the more intense the game gets. Darkness gets more clever, more crafty, more cunning. It has to; as we get to new levels, so does it, right along with us. But without that, we would not get the the level of soul mastery that will allow us to be what we were truly meant to become. Transcended. Pure harmony. One with God, which, in effect, means we are God, we become God again, on a soul level. There is nothing more important, and yet so few realize this. This is why we are here. Not to be distracted until death by personality. To come to God through principles.

Love is this. To be loved is amazing, but to love is the key to all the levels, it’s the magic coin that gives special powers in the invisble realm where all the work takes place. Not just romantic love, but where else is anyone so challenged on such a personal note? Who else but our beloved will bring out every deep seated insecurity, every trust issue, every conceivable character defect? All these tools of the darkness, attempting to prevent the soul from reconnecting with the source, are in full force in a relationship. And maybe one of the most decent concepts that get lost in the idea of commitment (in that most people fear commitment more for what they lose access to once they are all in) is the idea that you have agreed with another person to go the distance, to go as deep as you can go, to continue to do battle with the darkness that is brought up in the relationship; in effect, you are a team, working towards the most spiritual level of all- where God in me connects with God in you, and allowing a sacred space for that to exist, a new world, which can only happen inside a relationship. There is so much to distract from this; the shallow diversions of the ego- desire, the handiest tools of the darkness, like catnip, so easy to divert an individual from the real work. And fear, the other handy tool. Its hard to survive this- Darkness weilding its power tools, desire and fear, running amok in a new relationship, trying to destroy the divine spark. And not just any Darkness, The Darkness. Tailor made for you. Stamped with your own seal of approval. Your very own ego.

Then there is the soul which wants nothing less than ecstatic return to God. It is like a piece of God inside that throbs with a great longing to be reunited with its lover. And so it does also love love, because God is there inside the other if the obstacles can be overcome. The soul is The Lover, and the Darkness is so able to take that soul longing for God and cunningly fill it with desire for other things to satiate it- material posessions , ambition, addictions, obsessions- like giving a screaming baby a pacifier when it wants its mother’s soft nipple and milk. Eventually it accepts the substitute because the same motions are present. We are so lucky in AA, at least, to have access to another level, to reunite with the soul and recognize the Ego as having fooled us, allowing us to take a sincere yearning for a spiritual experience and warp it with toxic substitutes. The gentle Soul, lifetime after lifetime, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. Love is the great battlefield of triumph over evil, in its best and most pure aspect. Oddly enough, this is never even really seen topside. As if the relationship takes place above the water, while dragons are slayed and wars are waged invisibly just below- ancient combat, immortal victories and epic defeats. And on the surface, we are going to dinner, fucking, talking, texting. Rarely realizing what lies below the surface. As above, so below. And vice versa. Life is but a dream. But love is the alarm clock.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Rollercoasters, Neuropeptides, and oysters. Oh my!

Gotta love life. Its times like these that make you look at roller coasters in a whole new way. At least it does for me; times like these make me realize that if it weren't for the major climbs up the steep hill, there wouldn't be the exhilaration of the drop- and I do like the intense roller coasters. I wouldn't want anything less. No one stands in line for a flat roller coaster.

Lately I am on fire with ideas. I know, I KNOW that they are all gestating, waiting to bloom; these do not feel like the ideas that you have and then just sit on, maybe talk about over coffee one day. These are ideas about healing, recovery, education, values, relationships, empowerment- about how to take a non profit and make in such a way that it doesn't have that 'non-profit' look to it- you know what I mean? So many non profit companies really look like they are doing it on a shoe string. If I were to do a website to empower women about making choices by understanding how their value system is constructed and possibly needs demolishing and rebuilding, or to identify if they are victims of psychological abuse,o r if they are trapped inside mediocrity of experience due to limiting belief systems- then I would want to use directors who could make small movies that convey the subtleties and the complexity of self discovery and being a survivor. I would want to have amazing interviews with strong women who are fighting the good fight and want to teach others how to be organic, authentic women. I would want it to be, well, cool, for want of a better word. I would want women who need to be reached to want it once we find them, not a website that is decked out like an institution, with royal blues and clouds and italicized serif fonts. I think healing and recovery can be packaged differently with the same content- if you put Yoohoo in a can it would still be the same Yoohoo, right?

I also want to find a way to propose a bill to include a new sort of class in the public school system, one that teaches values and self esteem, what it means to be human, self discovery, boundaries, identity, respect. These are things that used to be taught at home, but its a different world now, and families, even really good ones, are lacking in that nuclear way. I think the future of the country is in jeopardy if the value system that is in place with most kids will be the prevailing (and entropic) value system- and this will be handed down to their kids, and it will continue to corrode- it does not bode well. If we can get to them now, then there will be less need for non-profit treatment centers, abortion clinics might go out of business, the abuse hotlines will need fewer phone operators, suicide-rape, drug abuse, teenage pregnancy, violence, you name it, will be, not eradicated, but curtailed. If this was in ALL public schools, every single one, in every single grade, as part of the curriculum.

Moreover, I am also interested in taking recovery to the next level. My recovery is undergoing that transformation; I need it. I love the program, and the steps, sponsoring, fellowship; I love everything about the 12 Step program of AA. I owe it my life and will continue to be active in it one day at a time. But there is more. That isn't all. Now that I am sober for a little while, I need newer, deeper, more profound spiritual experiences. I don't know what exactly, because spirituality is such a personal issue for me, and I am not interested in borrowing someone else's, lock , stock, and barrel. The next level for me will involve social experiments (like giving away money at freeway exit ramps or getting a group together and walking around hugging strangers- we'd ask first, of course...) but the purpose of which would be to not only give me a brand new experience, and allow me to see the looks on peoples faces, but also allow the people to have a moment of pure delight, wonder, surprise- to allow them, even if just for a second, to light up the nerve receptor sites of delight, because the more that is lit up the more likely it is to again, as the nerve receptors build relationships. I'd like for people to want to have that feeling again, because it is fresh and pure and spontaneous, and there is nothing bad about that. Its almost childlike. (not to be confused with childish.) I would like to video tape these antics and show them on a website so even more people can experience the joy second hand- Like the Bhoddisatva in the Metro clip on youtube- good humor, is contagious. I am happy that it is, and I want to infect as many people as possible. Laughing, smiling, delight, wonder- all these are spiritual experiences. For the time they are present, we are in the moment, we are not self conscious. Its healing. Its like a magical elixir- the ecstatic state that Jung says is a necessary state for human beings, and if we don't get those experiences in positive, legitimate ways, we will seek them out in negative ways, like drugs and alcohol. And if people crave ecstatic experiences in legitimate ways through outrageous compassion and spiritual rambunctiousness, then that opens up a whole new door for a whole lot of people. It creates the desire to wake that up in others. And the more people want to encourage awakening in others who walk around in a trance, self obsessed and myopic, the better chance we have to stay connected to God consciousness, not just for an hour or a 10 minute meditation, but all day, every day.

And I still want to show people that life in recovery is anything but bland or boring, like we had planned to do with the now defunct 247 Recovery Channel- that in truth it opens the whole world up to you on several different levels. Its hard to know that when you are using, because you aren't even aware of the full range of feelings available to a sober person. You can not imagine what a spiritual high is, or a pink cloud, or the feeling when you have been of service to someone, or spoken at a meeting, or when someone says, "I trust you."

Finally, I want to start talking about the sacred space that a relationship is, that marriage is not an outdated concept, its the ideas we have about it that need an overhaul. Trust me, three months ago I would never have said such a thing; but I have come to realize that we all carry God within us, and when we unite in relationship and marriage, its also God re-uniting, and the space that is created IS sacred. And a child being born into that sacredness is in the lap of God. There are a lot of details that distract us from the truth of this, a lot of ego and fear and confusion about what the role of a man and woman truly is in these modern times, but its really one of the most spiritually profound journeys, and worth living for. It isn't really looked at like this now- in fact, what I am proposing sounds old fashioned, but it only sounds old fashioned in a modern world with a weak value system. Very few people are happy in their relationships; if they are, its new. And very few people are truly happy single. None of my girlfriends are happy; they are having a terrible time dating men who got used to how low women, as a rule, set the bar for a man. They get away with murder while we sit staring at our phone. I thought the idea was the empowered, emancipated woman? I've recently been hearing a few girlfriends say, "Er, no. You can pull the panties out of your ass and grow up. Its not cute anymore. You can not only make a choice, but stick to it. thats commitment, and I am not interested in anything less. Call me when you grow a pair." This isn't hard ass- this is a woman valuing herself. And no man will unless we do first.

Then there is the intellectual aspect of the quantum world, which is, for me, absolute proof of the Divine Order of things. I can hardly be afraid of anything in a world so beautifully constructed, and so dependent on the observer to exist. There is the science of the cells, the receptor sites and neuropeptides, which are fascinating and answer a lot of the questions about behavior in terms of how we all are addicts- we ALL become addicted to certain feelings and experiences and continue to recreate them to satisfy the cravings on a cellular level. If you think you are heavy set in your physique, for example, if that is all you talk about, then you are addicted to the feeling that produces, you are looking for situations in which that negativity will be reflected back to you so you can talk about it more, create more scenarios, and perpetuate your deep seated craving for that negative experience. You will stare longingly at clothes you think you can't wear and detest others who have figures you admire. And your whole world becomes reduced to this, forms around it, and defines the quality of your life experience. This stuff fascinates me, it stimulates new thought in me and allows me to have a new experience when I am able to understand that I have a HUGE struggle in front of me always to liberate myself from my own programming. I want to create a forum for this sort of dialogue, an internet salon, a place to share the new bits of scientific data we are exploring that open the eyes up to new possibilities, and dismantle old structures and habits that no longer serve us.

I have a lot to do. I have no idea how, but that is none of my business. Yet. The next step will be revealed. What I do know is that the more of a community there is, the more that people are interested in these same things, the more likely they are to happen, and on a grand scale. I know that the people with money who believe that these things must exist will come forward until other funding can be made available through grants or non profit fund raising. I learned in the 247 Recovery Community project that the energy that flows through a community makes a movement, and the enthusiasm of that movement is also infectious, and begins to lift off and takes on a life of its own, above and beyond the original seed project. I believe that its time for a new spiritual movement that is hip and fun, ecstatic, empowering, sexy, relevant, healing, helpful, connecting, thought provoking, inspiring, and accessible.

In the midst of my financial struggles right now (oh, and are they truly challenging currently, to a degree that is almost comical- the word 'ghetto' gets tossed around a lot to describe how I am getting by right now) and relationship uncertainties, kids who are becoming teenagers and an ex husband who wont pay child support and want me 6 feet under, I get to have thoughts like these. Marianne Williamson says that the trick is to have 'immortal' thoughts in the mortal world. Mortal thoughts are the worries and fears and plans and schemes and details and hurrying and list making....I don't have room for those thoughts. In my old ways, I would be consumed with fear and anger and more fear and worry, I'd probably be on my way to a strip club to make money. But now I know that everything is happening exactly the way it is supposed to happen- in fact, this whole blog would not exist, these thoughts are exactly a manifestation from recent experiences, seemingly 'hard times', that allowed new thoughts to emerge. There is never a pearl without first there being an irritation that creates a thing of beauty. It is always from the seed of discontent that new hope springs.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I am Curious George


I have come to think that miracles come when you look for them. My basis for this comes from my study of the subconscious mind. One thing that I found in my studies is that we only obtain so much input from the world. Our consciousness only allows for what it is present to; for example: lets say you decided you wanted to buy a white Prius. You go and look at them and test drive one and now you are thinking about making the purchase. Oddly enough, it seems everywhere you look you see white Priuses. Everywhere! Its crazy! But....not really. It isn't that there are suddenly more white Prius cars, even if it seems that way. More precisely, it is because you are thinking about them, because they are in your consciousness, that you are noticing them. There are no more now than there were before. Its just an example of how what we think about manifests. It isn't exactly manifesting; miracles are there all along, we just have to be conscious of them, notice them, and act on them.

More than that, we have to be available. Like last week- I had a hell of a day, seemingly- woke up, power was shut off, was laid off the week beofre so didn't have money to pay it, my new boss, beautiful man, helped me. Meanwhile, I had to go in and turn off the breakers and my cat got locked in my room mate's room where the box is. When I discovered him in there, he had pooped on her bedding. Argh!!! Right? Like, enough already! Then I notice there is blood in his stool. I would never have noticed if he hadn't pooped on her light tan comforter.

So, effing hell, I have no money but I am grateful that I now know that he is ill. What to do? The year before I had a scenario with a vet in which they had the scale set wrong and told me my big cat was 5 pounds. I freaked. But we discovered when I brought him back that they had the scale set wrong and he was really 12. I called them. I reminded them what happened and would they like my business back. They gave me a free stool test, normally $60. While there, I sighed as the lady tried to sell me more stuff, saying, "Look, I am having a weird year financially, I can't buy any of that stuff right now." And she said, "Then you need a new experience. Lets manifest good health for your cat and prosperity for you, now." ....HUH? This is the lady at the vet! Wow. She proceeds to give me two website addresses for healing, she said, "there is something you aren't seeing, that oyu don't know is blocking you, contact them." One is, and one is

I will be investigating those websites because I sometimes do feel there is something I am not seeing that I need to address. And this woman and her information was dropped into my lap by a series of incidents that are not random. I've never had that happen, but even as I sat and waited for the Dr, I thought to myself, "that is a formidable woman, great energy." I had already noticed.

If the power hadn't gone out my cat wouldn't be on his way to healing because I might not have known he was sick. And I wouldn't have gone to that vet, to that woman, with that information to give to me. I will keep you all posted about the Pranic Healing; I am also going to take Kabbalah classes beginning August 31. I am on a quest. I am not on a quest to find God, because my relationship with God is very real, very profound, and very funny. But more to find different ways to see; because if what is in my consciousness will allow me to see what is truly there, then I want to be conscious of different things and see if it organizes my thought processes in a way that creates a clearer experience as a spiritual being on this planet. It is this curiosity that motivates me, and gives me a lot of reason for being. Like Curious George, I put myself in a lot of interesting situations, scratching my head going, "Wow, well now what?" Its when I get to leap. Its when the net appears. Its knowing that it will before we do.

That is what this blog is for. All the little miracles that add up to my life. I spoke to a sponsee a little while ago, and she is just waking up to the beautiful unfolding and synchronicity that life is. I love to see that turn on in someone. It makes me sad when it doesn't. I see people with many years in recovery who aren't not turned on by life, who are not in constant gratitude and delight. You can lead a horse to water, but, you know, can't make him drink it. I am finding that you don't need to lead a horse to water; its everywhere you look.

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